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Last week my daughter Rachel finished her last day of middle school. In the rich tradition of our relationship, I Bob took off of work on her first day of summer break so we could hang out together.

We enjoyed a leisurely Friday morning still in pajamas with a delightful sleep in, a home cooked breakfast and the watching of a Gilmore Girls DVD; one of my daughters favorite TV series. In the mix, we engaged in some rich banter and meaningful conversation about the completion of another year of school. As we wound up our relaxing and joyful morning, we made our way out into the world to accomplish a multitude of errands.

I was in “dad heaven”, thoroughly enjoying my time with Rachel; the sharing, the giggling and the shared feelings of gratitude for being alive. Our last stop of the day was to pick up some “carry out” for lunches that we would eat back at the house.  We stopped at the Pavilions where Rachel purchased a Keva juice and I, a salad from Quiznos with honey mustard dressing. Pulling into the driveway to our home we observed the tons of stuff we had picked up as we scavengered around Albuquerque. Rachel grabbed the lunches and I grabbed my coffee cup and a few other items as well. This was clearly a 2 trip endeavor between the car and the house. As Rachel approached the house, one of the containers of honey mustard dressing fell out of the bag and splattered into the driveway.

I felt an immediate surge of anger boil up inside of me. I put my coffee cup on the car hood and it too fell on the ground which served to fuel my anger. I took the bag with the salad from Rachel and in angry silence walked swiftly into the house. My daughter verbalized that “everything is ok dad” as she proceeded to grab a couple of paper towels to clean up the mess in the driveway. In my scorn I told her I would hose down the mess and not to bother with the paper towels. And so I did. Once the moment passed and the 2 of us sat down to eat lunch, the shame of my reaction to the incident was bubbling up. I spoke to Rachel about how sorry I was for my disproportionate reaction and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her. She replied by iterating how her clarity of knowing me so well allows her to not take it personally.

Rachel has witnessed my anger and annoyance on a number of occasions over the years and fortunately because she has a very strong, healthy core, it allowed her to hold a solid emotional boundary with me. We had a very rich dialog that manifested out of this event. As the shame dissipated I reflected over the years of my life (as I often do after a growth opportunity presents itself) acknowledging the gravity of rage I once carried. This rage had roots back to early childhood. Getting this perspective allowed me to come back to the acceptance of myself, allowing me to gain perspective on the progress I have made. I have been actively addressing this character flaw for 25 plus years, and it seems to be in no danger of fully extinguishing itself. Honesty is one of the core principles in our THANKs® program that many of you who employ our services get to work with.

We believe that self honesty is an indispensable principle towards the creation of self change and transformation. With that said, it is very clear that there are, for each of us, character flaws that keep journeying with us throughout our lives. Brad and I have worked with many clients who have mistakenly believed that they have been relieved of a particular flaw only to find it blind sides them at some point. They find this unexpected recurrence to be unacceptable and then proceed to berate themselves unmercifully. As we actively address these demons as part of our journey within, to equal measure the acceptance of their existence is essential.

If we are honestly working towards the decreasing and eventual elimination of these character flaws that have haunted us, then the acceptance allows us to coexist with them. Whether it’s our anger, pride, greed, fear of lack, gossip, selfishness or any other shortcoming that reveals itself in our character at unexpected times, it is the acceptance of these flaws that gives us as much freedom as their elimination. In no way does the acknowledgment and acceptance of these character flaws negate us from the accountability of the harm they do to others. When our shortcomings hurt someone else, we are 100% accountable for making amends and asking for forgiveness. There is a wonderful technique that allows for the daily application of intention and self honesty to help us work with our inner demons. It also serves to bring us to increasing acceptance of self with the existence of these flaws. First and foremost, we will have to engage in a self honesty appraisal of what these demons are.

Once this is accomplished then we can begin to work with the “Intention and Direction Loop” that Brad and I created in our continued quest to live the THANKs® program. We have found so much value in this methodology that we have been using it as a tool for clients to integrate into their daily lives. The following is a step by step process that engages you in the facilitation of addressing and actively dealing with your inner demons as well as creating greater acceptance of yourself. Below are the 7 building blocks for successfully addressing and effectively dealing with your inner demons. Each one builds on the preceding one taking you through an “Intention and Direction Loop”. Give it a try and see what you think!

Step 1: Sit down quietly for 15 minutes and think about patterns, behaviors and/or attitudes that have been a part of your adult life that you have struggled with.

Step 2: Write down these patterns, behaviors and/or attitudes that you have struggled with throughout your adult life.

Step 3: Each morning, depending on how ambitious you are, you can write down or just contemplate on one of these behaviors, patterns and/or attitudes that you would like to work on for the day. Focus on your intention and direction. Ask yourself how you want to behave and what behavior or attitude you want to bring into the day in place of the existing behavior or attitude.

Step 4: Take a few minutes to think about where this change will challenge you the most and think about how you want to respond in that situation or circumstance. You now have intention and direction on the desired character trait you want to display.

Step 5: As you embark on your day take a minute mid-morning and another minute mid-afternoon to take a spot check inventory of how your intention and direction is going. Just take note. In addition, pay attention throughout the day when you are achieving your desired intention and when you aren’t. If you can catch yourself in the old pattern, behavior and/or attitude, see if you can switch gears to your desired intention. This will take lots of practice (The secret about change is that you can make the desired change regardless of how you feel in the moment. If you feel angry and tend to fly off the handle, try staying focused on your intention and direction even when you feel the anger).

Step 6: At days’ end, take 5 minutes and account for how the day went. Focus on your successes as well as the times you came up short on your desired intention. Write down any changes you want to add into the intention and direction for the next day.

Step 7: This is where you loop into the start of the following day. Start the same process over again, bringing with you the information from the day before. In addition, when you are ready, you can add new behaviors, patterns, and/or attitudes that you want to focus your intention and direction towards. This looping keeps you plugged into a daily process and habit. This principle of intention works only if you work it. Day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year, a positive accumulative effect will manifest. The hardest part for individuals is staying consistent with the practice, and developing it as a daily habit.

The practice of this intention principle works wonders to increase our levels of self acceptance if the motive truly is to change for the better. We have found this methodology to be most successful when worked on with group or professional support. Reporting the events of the process on a weekly basis, as well as receiving support and getting questions answered, has helped countless individuals transform their lives, even when the ongoing challenges of their character flaws continue to resurface at different times. As is said in the 12 step recovery rooms, Practice not Perfection! As always, let us know what you think and how this is working for you. We love the e-mails as well as your shared experiences on our blog. Be well. Bob & Brad